My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
