tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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