Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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