I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
