you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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