The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
