I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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