I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
