she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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