These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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