i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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