My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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