I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As shirtless as possible
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
