Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
