last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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