Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think your dad took our porno
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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