well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize