just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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