I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
