We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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