Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
