I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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