Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Bring me that man meat
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
