that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
