Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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