I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
