We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
