He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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