11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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