Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
