We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
