conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
