Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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