Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think my mom watched the whole time
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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