moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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