happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
