I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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