i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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