you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
