Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
