Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
