sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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