sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
