the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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