No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
