Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
