eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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