Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
