I accidentally had phone sex last night
I puked a lego.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
