Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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