So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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