my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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