You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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