He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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