I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
