drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize