she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
