I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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