Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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